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Facing my Anger

Where to start?

First of all, I had the belief that I was not an angry person. I was in so much denial that I actually believed I did not have any anger inside of me.

Why would I deny the idea that I had anger in me? Here are some of the false beliefs that were taught to me or things I just didn’t want to feel:

  • anger is bad or wrong
  • anger makes you feel less than someone who pretends to have no anger
  • I didn’t want to be judged
  • I didn’t want to feel rejected or disapproved of
  • anger is not a feminine trait, society only accepts men who are angry
  • I didn’t want to acknowledge that I was less spiritually developed than I actually was

Looking at this list, I can see why I avoided the concept that I might be angry.

When I was a child, maybe 5 or 6, my dad told me that I was a very anger child. He said that I would hold my breath for so long that it actually scared them. So, they took me to the doctors and the doctor said, just throw water in her face when she does it again. Well, the water pressure at our small home in the country didn’t have a lot of water pressure so he told me that he took the back off the toilet bowl and used that water to throw in my face. The family gets a big laugh out of this story when re-telling it at family events, but when I feel about it now, it hurts; it feels painful.

I can see from this type of “punishment” that when I got angry: it was bad, wrong, I am less than they are, I was judged, rejected, disapproved of, and definitely not loved. In childhood this is where we learn our false beliefs and we hold on to them for dear life – it’s a survival method. If I wanted to be “loved”, accepted and approved of, I will block my anger and pretend it doesn’t exist.

I can see now that whenever I got angry as a child, it triggered the anger inside of them and that’s what they wanted to avoid. In order to do that, they “punished” me to show me and teach me that anger is wrong under all circumstances and to never feel it. These false beliefs that are taught to us when we were children cause not only huge detrimental affects in our life but in everyone around us.

When we hold on to our anger, we will project it out at others. Whether they know it or not, they will feel it. If they are “well-developed”, they can just feel it and let it flow through them, but I don’t believe very many on the planet are close to being in that condition, yet.

The truth is that denial leads to physical pain and if that is the case, then every time we have any physical pain, that is showing us there is anger inside of us. Even if we don’t believe this is the case, we could choose to experiment and find out for ourselves what the truth really is.

I always have to remind myself that anger is anything from frustration and annoyance all the way through to hatred and rage. When we come to the realization that anger is just an emotion that is unhealthy to hold on to, we can then choose to make a different choice and feel it.

What I’ve just recently learnt is to own the anger. It is anger inside of me, it is mine. If I do this, it will help me to not yell and scream and rant and rave at others. Feeling my anger and letting it flow through me will not hurt anyone or anything, in fact, this is the most loving thing I can do and it will actually heal me.

I am going to share my first “real” experience with dealing with my anger in the hopes that it could help someone else. I put “real” in quotations marks because this morning, I feel, is the first time I actually felt any results. The results give me faith that I can do it again. I now have a better understanding of the “process”. I’m actually excited to make a list of everything that I feel angry about and dedicate each morning to checking off my list!

I did not do this on my own – I finally asked for help (that’s another blog post in itself). We are receiving help all the time by the way, but few of us actually want to hear it, listen to it or even believe it.

Here are the steps that I found helpful:

  • I picked something that I felt very angry about. It was something that I’ve held on to for a very, very long time.
  • I wrote in my journal all the things that I was f%$king angry about. It was over a page long.
  • I got my tennis racket out and bashed my poor bed to hell – yelling and screaming. My original page turned out to be many, many pages by the time I finished. I didn’t even need the pages, the anger just came out of me.
  • Just before and during this time I asked God to help me own this anger so that I could move through it. I feel this is an essential step. If I didn’t own the anger, I would just be doing more damage to myself and others and that was not my intention.
  • When I was finished I laid down on the bed and just laid there. I can’t really explain the feeling except the yelling and screaming stopped and I felt calm.
  • I asked my spirit guide, what now, and she suggested to just feel what was going on in my body. As soon as I did that, I started to cry and cry. It felt like a different cry than I’ve experienced before. I just allowed it.
  • I remember feeling, I don’t want to forgive this person!! I didn’t want to “let them off the hook” and then a realization came to me that I was being manipulative and trying to change them. They have free will to do what they want. They don’t have to change. And then I realized that I could just love them. They don’t have to change, they don’t have to accept me, they can do whatever they want. And then I realized that if they saw how I was becoming more loving, they might be interested or intrigued to want to make their own changes.
  • I smiled at that and thought – yes, that’s it! When that happened, I started crying again but this time it felt happy and loving. I found myself giggling and crying and feeling, this is so cool.

I felt so much excitement. I felt so hopeful for my future and making the decision to take responsibility for my own happiness.

Honestly, what I have been doing for decades and decades is exhausting; what I did this morning was quite easy and it definitely felt good. The hardest part was being in denial. Once I acknowledged the anger, the rest seemed much easier in comparison.

I don’t know if this explanation of my experience does it justice or not. I don’t know if I remembered everything exactly as it happened, but I am going to keep at it and if I find more to add or correct, I will definitely do another post.

All I can say is, it’s worth letting go of the anger. I have a long way to go as I know my list is quite long, but I have faith and hope it’s all going to work out.

Thank you to my new friends who have helped me see that making difference choices isn’t as hard as I’ve believed them to be.

“Don’t make friends who are comfortable to be with. Make friends who will force you to lever yourself up.”

Thomas J. Watson

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